Dispatches from the Quarantine 04: Lídia Pereira

A dispatch from Lídia Pereira, Portuguese writer and designer based in Rotterdam

[This dispatch is part of a series: read the previous ones here.]

“I am thinking of all the things that I cannot think about because I cannot feel them because I cannot live them because I live here I am here and despite everything O wait let me check this message I am at home and have some savings but my friend might lose his job how many lost jobs I don’t deserve any breaks ping the outside needs to get in it is knocking bzzz ping let me in ‘outside gets inside through her skin’ I need to be alert now to prevent it from coming in like this in the future what future for whom we need to talk now organize now agitate now the Now that locks us into a constant present needs to be fought now the past is coming back but with a vengeance where will I move next maybe nowhere is relatively safe for longer than ten years at a time anymore was it ever if I have the ability to run away I shouldn’t complain equalizer my ass go peddle your liberal sap ping ping away from me bzzz ping Yes I saw the news oh here is a new link important link ping pong back and forth bzzz bzzz I just don’t want to be a prick anymore and everywhere everything intensely contradictory is a struggle but for some disproportionately so abhorrent asymmetric experience and we survive on private donations now and the cycle will continue, disruption through ping bzzz O I cannot talk at the moment try later, bondage yes that is the word I was looking for sadly I missed your last sentence the connection seems to be poor wait while I destroy another 5G tower for fear I might catch the virus but I will whatsapp you right back but can I really blame them the chaos the speed the flashing dazzling speed yet we fail to move along our designated failure navigating the tangled hairs of the politics of distraction wheezing past us trembling babbling mess and ping Yes we are all okay, but your uncle may not be able to pay his rent anymore does he get a subsidy no it doesn’t apply, why does nuance escape me now when I need it most No Mom I cannot help you install zoom at the moment ask Sister should I tell her about it no it’s complicated and otherwise what would be a good alternative when you lack digital literacy everyone around you does and there is money yes investment of course deals disruption through bondage yet we must resist and how and when just doesn’t matter we have to persist I am a nebulous cliché bzzz bzzz ping how many notifications should I choose to bzzz stay behind the guilt of taking distance vs the exposure to everywhere everything horrifying revolting I am just lucky while Adalgisa crosses the Vantaa, her gilded gondola sliding down a sore throat I don’t feel like breakfast how many now how many left? the limits keep on being exposed yet we are entertained lest we act on it accept what we wouldn’t otherwise because even if we are paying attention we are exhausted we are diminished follow the livestream like the bluebird follows the treasure at the end of my hot take.”